Number 5:
Port 5 2007 – It was the Fourth of July and Ronnie the “turn-it-up-a-notch” guy was fading fast.  The hooch was finally catching up with him and his head started to slowly bob and roll back as he began to doze off in his chair. Next thing y’know, his jaw drops like a cross-eyed trout and his teeth go flying out of his mouth, bounce off his lap and go tumbling across the dance floor….. with his buddy Steve in hot pursuit, who retrieves the choppers and hands them back to the owner, Ronnie……who then looks up at him and says “where did you get these?”  Hahahaha…you can’t make up sh*t like that!!!!!

Now immortalized in a re-write by JD and T-Bone…”Tequila Makes Your Teeth Fall Out”

He started strong but now he's fadin' fast
Ol' Cuervo Gold has gone and kicked his ass
His jaws are gapin' like a cross-eyed trout
Yeah, tequila makes his teeth fall out

Just then they tumbled across the floor
And kept a-rollin' out towards the door
A diving catch saved the day, no doubt
'Cos tequila makes his teeth fall out

Chorus:
He'll start by knockin’ down a few shots
Then he’ll down a couple more
Dippin’, divin’, dancin’ out of control
He’s a terror on the floor
He don't mean nothin' he's just having fun
Tomorrow he'll say: "oh what have I done?"
His friends will joke about the teeth he lost
Oh, tequila makes his teeth fall out

Somebody grab a tube of Fixodent
Ol' Ronnie's choppers just got up and went
"C'mon and turn it up a notch", he shouts
Oh, tequila makes his teeth fall out

Chorus:
He'll start by knockin’ down a few shots
Then he’ll down a couple more
Dippin’, divin’, dancin’ out of control
He’s a terror on the floor
He started strong but now he's fadin' fast
Ol' Cuervo Gold has gone and kicked his ass
His jaws are gapin' like a cross-eyed trout
Yeah, tequila makes his teeth fall out

Number 4:
Let’s go back in time to the Redding Roadhouse…the summer of 2006. As the band was getting ready to go on, in walks this 60-or-so year old guy dressed up as a 6 foot tall elf with the pointy hat and curly-toed boots.

After a few chuckles, Dean the bartender tells me that Ritchie Blackmore is in the house. I'm looking around going: "Ritchie Blackmore's here? No sh*t!!! He didn't come in with that elf did he?" Dean says: "He IS that elf". Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

For those of you who may not know....... Ritchie Blackmore was one of my guitar heroes back in the early seventies. He was the leader of the legendary rock band Deep Purple and also Rainbow. Amongst his writing credits are the iconic "Smoke on the Water", "Highway Star", “Hush” and “Woman From Tokyo”. We're talking megastar! Up there with the Beatles, Clapton.....hey, he practically invented heavy metal!!!!

Well, he and his similarly dressed entourage retired to the back room of the place as the Reefers glided thru their first and second sets of the night. Now I am completely aware of where myself and the rest of the band stand in the musical "big picture". We're a cover band of limited talent, we do some of my goofy originals and people seem to like hearing us for the most part. While I didn't expect Ritchie to be doing cartwheels thru the bar, we were hardly prepared for what came next.

He and his cronies walked out to their car and returned with an acoustic guitar, mic and amp. They went out back in the next room and held their own little sing-a-long on the patio. Not for nuttin' but isn't it kinda un-cool to be upstaging 4 hard working nobodies? Y'know, it's a bit rough on the ego....like being kicked in the b*lls by a sixty one year old elf!!!!! If you ain't into us then just close the door and chill...... Happily for us, our audience didn't abandon us.......

So after dedicating the "Were You Born An A$$hole Or Did You Work At It Your Whole Life" song to Ritchie, we finished our last set and loaded up the cars. Karen and I returned to the bar to get one last drink for the road. The place was empty as Dean cleaned up when suddenly the patio minstrels brought their musical interlude inside the bar. Lemme tell you something. If you thought Blackmore played some great guitar back in the day…..well, you ain't seen nothing yet. He got ahold of an acoustic and played some absolutely mind-blowing stuff!!!! Wow. We left the Roadhouse two and a half hours later at 4 am and they were still playing.

Richie and his Stevie Nicks look-a-like wife even stopped by our table to chat for 10 or 15 minutes. To make this long story shorter, he's into playing Renaissance music in the fairs these days, lives in Port Jefferson, ain’t making any money on the road but is having the time of his life. It was definitely a night for the ages......

After I complimented him on writing some of the greatest rock songs of our time, I had to pass along one suggestion for a song title on his upcoming CD..... How about "How I Parlayed A Career As A Mega-Rockstar Into Impersonating An Elf In A Traveling Circus"??????????

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Only kiddin' widja Rich........... like grandpa used to say……. You plant corn, You get corn…….  As he laughs all the way to the bank to cash that royalty check for "Smoke"….

Number 3:
Ischoda Yacht Club, the summer of 2002.... Our drummer at the time had a very unique looking baby blue drumset. The picture shown is of a similar set, albeit in “porcelain white”.

Now Wayne was always one to joke around with you but this was one time where the tables were turned. A couple of the guys in the audience, who shall remain nameless (Steve and Dave) decided that the mounted drums on the set looked an awful lot like urinals. So, while Wayne was prowling the crowd elsewhere, they inserted some urinal mints into the drums and waited for them to be noticed. (For those who may be unaware, urinal mints are the slang term for deodorizing disinfectant blocks)

Well, the band played another three hours and the mints remained undiscovered. The two perpetrators couldn’t take it anymore as they were laughing so hard that they were about ready to p*ss in their pants. They figured since opportunity was knocking that they may as well get ahold of things and walked on up to the front of the drumset in between songs.

Wayne just sat their looking puzzled as they both pulled down their flies and prepared to urinate in the 2 mounted drums containing the mints. The puzzling look quickly disappeared as Wayne hit the roof while screaming “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!?!?!?!”

Hahahahahahaha. Everyone in the place was rolling on the ground laughing. I had friggin’ tears in my eyes! Hahahahahahahha.

Wayne wouldn’t speak to any of us for two weeks.
(Thank God for little miracles)

Number 2:
One of our early band members (whom we shall call Tattoo to protect his identity) was famous for trying to pick up chicks during the gig breaks. He was the type who would even go after a snake in a woodpile if he could get ahold of it.

So he meets this blonde in a seedy little joint we used to play in (that alone shoulda been a tip-off) and lays his rap on her as she sits waiting to meet up with a girlfriend. By the end of the night, he's all proud of himself for having scored her phone number and made plans to take her boating on the lake  the following day.

So, I happened to call him around noon the next day and found him all depressed. He then confessed that the blonde with the German accent musta written down the wrong number by accident 'cos when he called, he found it out of service. Bummer. Oh well....there's other fish in the sea, right?.

As luck would have it, we were doing a gig at EEYC a month later and lo and behold.....there sits his little fraulein at the bar by herself. So Tattoo’s tail goes up in the air as he trips over his d*ck to move in on his little lost dreamboat..... Once again, he lays his rap on her and comes away all smiling and proud 'cos he got the chick's "real" phone number. There's big plans on the horizon for little baldy!

So, a few days later, I talk to him and ask him how he made out with the blonde bombshell. His head drops down and he's almost in tears..... I asked him what the deal was..... He said he called the number and heard "good afternoon, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Leroy speaking"....hahahahahahaha...I p*ssed in my pants laughing! He got duped again!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha.... You gotta be sh*ttin' me!

Well, we actually ran into her one more time at another gig and were waiting for ol' dogd*ck to go sniffing after her yet again....... Nope. Tattoo had finally learned his lesson and gave up. Uncle.
Some weeks later, King and I found out a little more info about our little German nanny...... Remember that girlfriend she was waiting for at the seedy little bar??? Yep. You guessed it..... They're a couple of lap-lunchers! Hahahahahaha….Lezbo City!!!!! Hahahahahahaha.

God bless ya, honey!

Of course, we didn't have the heart to tell Tattoo......

Number 1:
Now this is a classic. Remember the old saying: “Sex, Drugs & Rock’n’Roll”? Well, at least 2 of the 3 are in play on this one and most likely, a third.

We’re playing at one of our favorite bars, which will remain nameless to protect the innocent. However, it is necessary to tell you that it’s in a rural setting and is on the upscale side, in order for you to fully appreciate the story. The place is packed. I mean PACKED. Standing room only.

Since the first set can often be a bit laid back, it surprised the band to see two beautiful young women take to the dance floor so early in the night. It also surprised us to see that they were more interested in dancing with each other than with anyone else. It wasn’t long before they attracted the attention of anyone within eyesight..... ....bumping...grinding....the whole dirty dancing thing.

There was one guy (Stan) who was actually standing up on top of a barstool to get a better view... and another guy (my brother) almost laying on the floor to get a sneak peek up the miniskirt as his wife repeatedly kicked him in the keester. Of course, we considered putting a stop to all of this madness in the interest of public safety but quickly reconsidered.

So, this went on for about a half hour or so. These little chippies were getting more and more risque with each subsequent song. Audience participation is a great thing for we musicians but we had no idea where this would eventually go. Unfortunately, we had to take a break to recharge and reload, while looking forward to the next set with great anticipation.

After grabbing a Spaten and mingling with some friends, I asked a buddy if he was enjoying “the show”. Since the place was so crowded, he wasn’t even aware of the 2 lolitas up front. I turned and pointed them out in the corner of the bar where they were sitting and my jaw almost hit the floor. Great Googly Moogly!!!! Holy Mackerals!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes! This chick was sitting at the table with her shirt pulled up under her chin as she fondled her rib balloons with both hands. WTF!!!!!!

This went on for about ten minutes as if there was no one else in the room. Just her and a pair of cannonballs! By now half the bar was checking it out. Bear in my mind, this was not some sleaze bar we were in. It’s just that the place was so jammed that management had no idea what was going on.
Of course, we considered putting a stop to all of this but realized that she was probably just giving an impromptu presentation on self examination since it was breast cancer awareness month.

So, just before we were to go up for the second set, our drummer returned from having a cigarette outside. I said: “You missed the show we had in here” to which he replied: “You missed the show out there!”. Evidently, while the blonde was inside doing her thing, the other hottie was outside with her pants dropped to her ankles as she wagged her caboose thru the window at the other one! Of course, the drummer considered putting a stop to all of this but he was busy choking to death on his Marlboro light.

Whew. It was time to start up the music. We regained our composure and after playing the appropriately titled song “Trashy Women”, we were a little taken aback that the girls didn’t leap out on the dance floor to pick up where they had left off. Whassup with that? Where’d they go?

Lo and behold, a glance at the corner table revealed a head slowly bobbing up and down in.....oh no. You gotta be kiddin’ me! Bobbing up and down in her boyfriends lap!!!!!!! Unbelievable! WTF??? A whole new meaning to “Wood”stock! We’re standing here playing music at some quaint tavern in the scenic foothills of Connecticut and some chick is barkin’ on the baloney of this guy ten feet away in the midst of a crowded barroom!!!!!!
 
Fortunately, the corner table crew soon departed just as we were heading over to put a stop to all of this......

View more stories of TALES FROM THE ROAD on JD's solo site by clicking here