Number 1:
Now this is a classic. Remember the old saying: “Sex, Drugs & Rock’n’Roll”? Well, at least 2 of the 3 are in play on this one and possibly a third.
We’re playing at one of our favorite bars, which will remain nameless to protect the innocent. However, it is necessary to tell you that it’s in a rural setting and is on the upscale side in order for you to fully appreciate the story. The place is packed. I mean PACKED. Standing room only.
Since the first set can often be a bit laid back, it surprised the band to see two beautiful young women take to the dance floor so early in the night. It also surprised us to see that they were more interested in dancing with each other than with anyone else.
It wasn’t long before they attracted the attention of anyone within eyesight..... ....bumping...grinding....the whole dirty dancing thing.
There was one guy (Stan) who was actually standing up on top of a barstool to get a better view... and another guy almost laying on the floor to get a sneak peek up the miniskirt as his wife repeatedly kicked him in the keester. Of course, we considered putting a stop to all of this madness in the interest of public safety but quickly reconsidered.
So this went on for about a half hour or so. These little chippies were getting more and more risque with each subsequent song. Audience participation is a great thing for we musicians but we had no idea where this would eventually go. Unfortunately, we had to take a break to recharge and reload, while looking forward to the next set with great anticipation.
After grabbing a Spaten and mingling with some friends, I asked a buddy if he was enjoying “the show”. Since the place was so crowded, he wasn’t even aware of the 2 lolitas up front. I turned and pointed to the corner of the bar where they were sitting and my jaw almost hit the floor. Great Googly Moogly!!!! Holy Mackerals!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes! This chick was sitting at the table with her shirt pulled up under her chin as she fondled her rib balloons with both hands. WTF!!!!!!
This went on for about ten minutes as if there was no one else in the room. Just her and a pair of cannonballs! By now half the bar was checking it out. Bear in my mind, this was not some sleaze bar we were in. It’s just that the place was so jammed that management had no idea what was going on.
Of course, we considered putting a stop to all of this but realized that she was probably just giving an impromptu presentation on self examination since it was breast cancer awareness month.
So, just before we were to go up for the second set, our drummer returned from having a cigarette outside. I said: “You missed the show we had in here” to which he replied: “You missed the show out there!”.
Evidently, while the blonde was inside doing her thing, the other hottie was outside with her pants dropped to her ankles as she wagged her caboose thru the window at the other one! Of course, the drummer considered putting a stop to all of this but he was busy choking to death on his Marlboro light.
Whew. It was time to start up the music. We regained our composure and after playing the appropriately titled song “Trashy Women”, we were a little taken aback that the girls didn’t leap out on the dance floor to pick up where they had left off. Whassup with that? Where’d they go?
Lo and behold, a glance at the corner table revealed a head slowly bobbing up and down in.....oh no. You gotta be kiddin’ me! Bobbing up and down in her boyfriends lap!!!!!!! Unbelievable! WTF??? A whole new meaning to “Wood”stock!
We’re standing here playing music at some quaint tavern in the scenic foothills of Connecticut and some chick is barkin’ on the baloney of this guy ten feet away in the midst of a crowded barroom!!!!!!
Fortunately, the corner table crew soon departed just as we were heading over to put a stop to all of this......
